[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”