new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
You Might Also Like
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.