A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.