My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.