Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like