My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Sign at work today
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”