If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
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How times have changed.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.