I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
You Might Also Like
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question