playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk