COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
You Might Also Like
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
There’s always that one guy