ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.