“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company