I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.