Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Van Gone
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.