I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do