Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?