Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy