Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]