You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
In banana years, I am bread.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”