I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
A leaf blower, but for people.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??