I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The asteroid..
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!