It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The fall of Netflix