i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.