Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there