do mermaids get waxed or descaled
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation