[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.