The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I don’t think my car can fly
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?