{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”