Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion