internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over