A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
mechanics be like
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single