I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Mornin
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.