Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.