Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The internet is full of many things
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre