Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Life cycle of cat
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Oh yeah that’s it
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.