Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.