[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.