Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”