I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.