“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
You Might Also Like
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick