i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
😂💯
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.