Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard