wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Thinking about Jeff
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
this is uni
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky