[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat