Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
never ask a starfish for directions
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.