Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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WHO DID THIS?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Sing it!
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?