“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.