Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
You Might Also Like
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Guys, I found it.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”