Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.