Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.